C is for Courage

I am finding the courage to be who I want to be and go after the things I want.  I am learning to take things as they come and finding courage to stand up for myself even if it means making someone else angry.  I am learning that sometimes it's better to just keep your mouth shut and move along.

Courage is a funny thing.  Sometimes it takes greater courage to keep quiet and to let the chips fall where they may.

When you have the courage to get through a major life issue, it moves you into a different direction in your life.  I have learned a lot by watching a special person in my life deal with what could have been a life changing challenge.  He did this with his head held high just about every day.  Only a few days did he let the situation get the best of him.  He moved along each day and kept going, even when facing the worst.  Minus a few bad moments he kept courage in his heart and just went with the flow.  He is now at the end of his challenge and he has grown so much as a person, and see's (ha ha) things so differently.  He faced something horrible, he stood up to it, and he is a better man because of it.

C is for Chaos

I can only describe my mind lately to be pure chaos.  My thoughts, my actions, my sleep.  It's all gone to hell.  I have stayed focused enough to get through, to keep my head up and my thoughts quiet, to keep getting out of bed and dressed, to make it to work, to school, and that is about all I have managed.

It really hit home for me when Steve said to me, "babe, are you sure you're ok, I worry that I'm gonna come home and find you dead on the floor".  I just thought wow, this is what I've done to him.  I thought I was doing a good job of hiding how down I'd become.  Not that the thought of suicide was a real thought at all.  I know that I have some great things going on in my life, with even greater things to look forward too.  But I had become a shell, non-existant in a way.

I shut down.  No real conversation, no real answers when he would ask what was wrong.  All I could tell him was that I didn't know, but I did know that it wasn't him, that it was nothing he did wrong.

I feel like it's at an end, today was a good day.

Part of the trouble with a chaotic mind is the feeling of not knowing what exactly the issue is, so you have no idea how to fix it.  I tried dancing, singing and being silly while alone.  I tried bubble baths and candles.  Nothing could shake it.  I have no idea when it started, and no idea why it ended.  I do know that I hated every minute of it.  But I got through it, and I'll get through it the next time too.

Dear Self,

I know that you drafted this last week, before Steve's eye injury and you could not have possible predicted that things would actually get worse before they got better, way to hang tough and get through.

So far we've kicked the crap out of chaos and we win :)

Keep on keeping on!!

 

B is for Beautiful

Beautiful

Having beauty; possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind, excellent of its kind

What does beautiful mean to you? To me it can mean so many things.  A cry from a baby is beautiful when they are born in distress.  Watching two puppies roll and around and play in the yard is beautiful.  Watching an eagle sore high in the sky is beautiful.

What I struggle with the most is reminding myself that I am beautiful. When I look at myself I see sagging skin on my face that is giving me little puppy jowls, wrinkled eyes that no longer see without glasses, a belly that just sort of wobbles there with no support.  Thighs that dance to their own drummer, and let's not even think about my behind that has a mind of its own as I walk down the street.

But you know what?  That sagging skin on my face gives me character, it shows that I am wise, and that I have lived through many struggles, those eyes that no longer see without glasses witnessed the birth of two little boys who mean the world to me.  That belly that wobbles around?  Well it stretched to enormous proportions and turned itself into a temporary home for two beautiful children for me. Those thighs and behind?  Well they come from the many beautiful pizzas, rolls, cakes, cookies and potato chips we have the pleasure of being able to eat.

No matter how we feel about ourselves, there is someone that thinks we are the most beautiful person in the world.  Because they see our beauty as a whole. They don't look at our wrinkles. They look at the joy we as a person bring to their life and their world.  

I am beautiful because I provide joy for many and I am of good character.  My spirit is beautiful, my love for others is beautiful, my compassion is beautiful and sometimes more than I can bear.  These are the pieces of me that matter.

These are the things I need to focus on each day as I apply my wrinkle cream and cover up and as I squish my tummy, thighs and bottom into those ridiculous skinny jeans we're almost forced into wearing.  Have you shopped for jeans lately?  I may use Jeans as my J word.

Beauty or being beautiful is not what the masses are seeing on TV and magazines, it is every piece of who we are as a person.  Today I will strive to think of myself as beautiful, because I am not the wrinkles or jiggles or jowls.  I am loving, kind, courageous and brave, this is what makes me beautiful.

B is for Brave

Brave

Possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance.

Some days we don't even think about all the things we've encountered in our lives that contribute to our bravery.  It's a good lesson for our spirits to look back on the challenges we've grown from and came through victoriously.  It may be a small challenge that we've overcome, but take a few minutes every day to go over your brave list and encourage yourself to take one more step forward.

The challenges you've been brave enough to conquer are very much a part of the person you've grown into.  I've been through challenges in my life where I was completely and totally sure that I wouldn't be able to take one more breath, that there was no way I could face another minute of the challenge, yet I did, I got through it, I survived, and I've taken many breaths since.

Being brave doesn't mean that I'm some tough old broad with no feelings.  It means that no matter what might be going on inside my neurotic mind, that I've somehow found the courage within myself to take one more breath, one more step, and just kept pushing through it.  Life has taught me, and of course continues to teach me (some lessons worse than others) that I can get through anything if I just put my feet on the floor and make it happen.  I can't get lost in the mind fuck that sometimes happens in a tough situation, I have to remember to breathe and just keep moving.  It doesn't even matter what direction I'm moving as long as I keep breathing, keep focused on what matters most, and what the end game is.

Being brave doesn't mean fighting every battle.  Sometimes being brave means having the strength to walk away from the battle with your head held high knowing that you've done what is best for your own well being.  To be brave enough to face whatever might come from walking away, and whatever what might be required of you next.

Being brave doesn't mean putting on a front, it means being secure enough to say out loud that you're afraid, but at the same time your moving through it.  Keep surrounding yourself with others that help or push you to be brave.  My husband is a huge cheerleader for me.  He encourages me that I can climb the hill, I can reach the top of the bridge, I can let a giant parachute pull me behind a boat.  I can do all that I want to do and then some.


Here are some greatest hits from my brave list:

• I survived two relationships filled with domestic abuse before I was 21
• Ive para-sailed and zip lined
• I've walked away from people who mattered because they didn't serve my greater good
• I slept in a tent for a week in the woods of TN
• I've climbed huge mountains and taken unbelievable hikes
• I started college at 46 years old
• I manged to live after my mothers death, even though I thought I might not.
• I've made the Deans List 4 times....5 times now (edited to add)  :)
• I've more or less conquered the fear of having dead spots in my brain
• I got through the fear that my body attacks itself
• I've battled and won my own drug addictions
• I've realized that I matter
• I wake up every morning to start a new day

 Today is a good day to start your brave list and see just how strong you really are.  You might be surprised and find the encouragement you need to take another breath.

A is for Authentic

au·then·tic

real or genuine : not copied or false, true and accurate

Being authentic is hard for some people, but it comes so easy for me.  I am a 48 year old witchy woman who loves Eeyore and Pooh and I'm not ashamed to admit it.  I'm not afraid to be who I am, I let my freak flag fly in all its glory and then some.  I get made fun of a lot for wearing hot pink and tye dye (sometimes in the same shirt).  I don't let this get me down.  

I try to be true to who I am no matter what.  I am a pushover.  I am easy to please.  I am a psycho when I'm at the end of my rope, I am a pitt bull with a bone when something matters.  I am your best friend as long as I'm treated right.  I do my best to not play around with drama and games because they aren't true to my spirit.  I am neurotic at times, but I work within my issues and so do those who are in my small circle.

I can spot someone who is not their authentic self from a mile away and I do my best to not allow this sort of person into my circle.  There is nothing worse to me than spending time with someone who is trying to be something they're not for whatever the reason.  

Through the fast paced hustle and bustle of daily life it's easy to lose sight of your authentic self.  We're all competing in life on some level.  We have to focus on being authentic, and partnering with those who are also authentic for our own well being.  

We must find a way to let our children be authentic, let them be comfortable with who they are, and let us please stop trying to change everyone and everything to suit what the cultural norm is.  The norm is not authentic, the norm is what everyone else is doing, it may not work or be valid for each of our authentic selves.

Since I have accepted my authentic self and have worked hard on my self awareness I have grown so much as a person.  I still care way too much about what others might think or say about me, but you know what, I've come to accept this challenge as part of my authentic self as well.  There is nothing wrong with me wanting to be liked and accepted for who I am.  It only gets sideways if I let it matter too much and it starts to consume me, then I enter the neurotic zone and that is a dangerous place to live.  It's dark there, and there is no hot pink or tye dye.  I am better served by staying true to my authentic self and knowing that if someone doesn't accept me for who I am (this includes my neurotic tendencies and all the craziness that is me) well then that person doesn't deserve to have me in their circle.

You can love me or hate me but you will always be getting the truly authentic me for better or worse.

A is for Accountability

Accountability

The quality or state of being accountable; especially :  an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions <public officials lacking accountability>



In my opinion accountability, or lack of it, is what is wrong with our society and culture today.  We see this in every aspect of our lives.   We no longer teach children the meaning and action of the words listed above.  Parents and family systems may strive to teach children these things but society as a whole sends the message that you "do what you want" and "it's all about me".  Our evening news is full of stories that reflect this.  We have people shooting people, rioting, looting and so on.  They blame their bad decisions and/or reactions on something that someone else did to provoke them.  If people don't accept responsibility for their own actions, society as we know it will crumble.  When something happens that you don't agree with, you don't have the right to act out in a way that causes chaos for others, you don't get to destroy things and have a tantrum.

In today's world the challenges we face seem to always be someone else's fault, never our own.  We no longer think there are consequences for our actions.  Our government is no longer accountable, neither are many of our social systems.  We see fraud, bailouts, and watch role models for our children getting away with outrageous behavior. The more we let this behavior go on, the more of this behavior we will see in the future.  It's almost as if this has become a new social norm.  We get to do what we want regardless of who it hurts or who it effects, and our lives continue on as normal with no real consequences or empathy towards what our actions have done to someone else. People who seem to never be accountable seem to get ahead and never suffer, yet people who live their lives doing "right" by their peers and are good community members struggle to get ahead. 

To me being accountable means that not only am I responsible for my behavior and/or actions, but I am also prepared for the consequences of those actions.  I don't blame others for my failures or my mistakes unless I know that I did everything I could do in the situation but got no cooperation from the other side.

Being accountable for our words, actions and deeds will change how we treat everyone we come into contact with, and we better get busy making this change, before it's too late.