I can only describe my mind lately to be pure chaos. My thoughts, my actions, my sleep. It's all gone to hell. I have stayed focused enough to get through, to keep my head up and my thoughts quiet, to keep getting out of bed and dressed, to make it to work, to school, and that is about all I have managed.
It really hit home for me when Steve said to me, "babe, are you sure you're ok, I worry that I'm gonna come home and find you dead on the floor". I just thought wow, this is what I've done to him. I thought I was doing a good job of hiding how down I'd become. Not that the thought of suicide was a real thought at all. I know that I have some great things going on in my life, with even greater things to look forward too. But I had become a shell, non-existant in a way.
I shut down. No real conversation, no real answers when he would ask what was wrong. All I could tell him was that I didn't know, but I did know that it wasn't him, that it was nothing he did wrong.
I feel like it's at an end, today was a good day.
Part of the trouble with a chaotic mind is the feeling of not knowing what exactly the issue is, so you have no idea how to fix it. I tried dancing, singing and being silly while alone. I tried bubble baths and candles. Nothing could shake it. I have no idea when it started, and no idea why it ended. I do know that I hated every minute of it. But I got through it, and I'll get through it the next time too.
Dear Self,
I know that you drafted this last week, before Steve's eye injury and you could not have possible predicted that things would actually get worse before they got better, way to hang tough and get through.
So far we've kicked the crap out of chaos and we win :)
Keep on keeping on!!
You are awesomeness personified. I feel like some of that was winter, some of that was Mercury in retrograde, and some was just being spiritually exhausted. Cut yourself some slack. Meditate and ask for insight from the Universe. Try doing a 'higher self' meditation - I found it helped a lot when I was in this state of mind.
ReplyDeleteYou've been rocking when needing to care for Steve, which is interesting. Perhaps you don't like it when things are too quiet, and that was part of the problem? Because you really rose to the occasion here.
Ugh....typed a response and it didn't post. I think you're right that I don't like things quiet, but I hate the depression cycle that I fall into every few months. I'm so glad that the cycle has ended, and that we made it through the worst of Steve's injury. Things can only get better from here. Do you have a high self meditation you could share? Would love to try it. I'll search for one too, you know me I have to do a guided :)
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